Film per tutti

Ciao a tutti,

When we first investigated moving to Italy one of the topics discussed and read about was the quality of Italian TV. ‘Get Sky’. ‘Take your Sky box, or you will go mad’ ‘Bugger all on telly over there, you’ll go mad’

So one of the items packed into the lorry on its journey south was the Sky box, and Sky was one of the direct debits NOT cancelled. On the box lies our future evening happiness, and the last series of ER.

But Italian TV is a great way to learn Italian if you are stuck in the country, so for the first few weeks whilst we are settling in I happily watch the Italian channels. Its like being back in the days before freeview/NTL etc. About half a dozen channels to choose from and most of it Gameshow or Variety based so is easy to follow. Our first programme of choice is L’Eredita. After 6 months of watching I’m still a little hazy on the details, but about 8 people stand in a circle a la The Weakest Link answering questions posed by an Orange Man* and the contestants are whittled down to 2 who then trade money by answering questions. The winner of that round then has to choose between 2 words that are shown 1 of which is the correct word. The ‘Gillotine’ will then show which is the correct word. If the word is wrong the amount of money halves. This continues 4 times. The best thing about this programme is that questions also appear on the screen allowing me to learn some Italian words. The worst thing is that 4 tall shapely girls with limited clothing who dance badly at various points during the programme for no apparent reason. This theme is common to many Italian programmes. The number of girls may vary but the quality of dancing and/or singing is inversely proportionate to the amount of clothing they have on. Actually that’s wrong- the clothing is always limited to lace or piccolo sizes regardless of the talent.

We try Wheel of Fortune for a while, but as Tudor points out ‘Her dress isn’t fitting her properly’ and the near miss wardrobe malfunctions affect my nerves. Again, however the learning of the Italian is beneficial, with some natty phrases to be learnt.

Affari Tuoi is fab. 15 people stand round and open boxes with prices inside. A coccodrillo appears from one box and we all learn an Italian nursery rhyme complete with actions, and Max- well Max the presenter can extract more tension from a look in a box than I thought possible. Turns out this is Deal or No Deal. News to me, but limited understanding required from an non Italian speaker and the added benefit of watching greedy people blow reasonable offers of €15,000 and end up with 20 cents, and no scantily clad ‘what are they on this for?’ girls. Brilliant. I even start to recognise the contestants who seem to open boxes for months prior to the call up. Actually it’s the black priest from Abruzzo I initially recognise, then all the others. Poor chap seems to have been in the studio since we arrived in Magenta. One day his region is called. There is a standing ovation from the audience who seem to on mass burst into tears. One contestant from Puglia cannot speak he is crying so much. Padre from Abruzzo is trying to get money for the earthquake victims in his region. First box €500,000 goes, second box €250,000. It appears God is not on his side. Max is gutted and silence descends on the studio. Tissues are being handed out by the production team to each row. Finally, thank God Padre Abruzzo’s luck turns and he is down to €1 or €20,000. CAMBIO. He gets an offer to swap the boxes. Your man from Puglia is up on the podium next to Padre, still sobbing, having advised him not to swap. Padre swaps, my Italian isn’t good enough to know why but I’m behind a pillow by now. The kids have put themselves to bed because Hugh and I are wrecks in front of the telly. Max looks in the other box. His face as stern as it could be as he gently counsels Padre, and finally the other box is opened. It’s the €1 euro. Padre and therefore homeless people from Abruzzo have won €20,000. Tears well up in my eyes, and the fire brigade appear in the studio to start pumping out the water from the tears. I’m not sure Noel Edmunds can do this programme justice, even if he did invent it. Puglia Man looks close to collapse.

But even having to use telly to learn the language the Wheel of Fortune/ Affrai Tuoi/ Gillotine/Who Wants to be a millionaire round robin starts to be boring.
Sky it turns out requires a 1 metre dish on the balcone and wiring all through the apartment, so is dismissed. So the return of George on ER still awaits me. We get a media set card, rival to sky and owned by Silvio Berulsconi. Uump, but the films are original language sooooo after the card is plugged in, and much Google translating by Hugh, we hear English/American voices speaking English. Joy. Scooby Doo is likely to remain one of my favourite films ever on that basis alone.

Robin Hood in English, films in English,Studio 60 in English molto molto good, Joey in English- not so good but good enough. We still buy alot of DVD’s though. Requests from friends who visit are for DVD’s.

Nosing through the films in Saturn (Curry's) one day I come across Little Miss Sunshine. Lovely film. Dance a bit rude at the end I think, but fine for T&T. I can’t remember it being rude, nor can I remember what rating it is. Film per tutti is written on the back of the cover. Probably a 12 I think. Fine. Cool we have a new film to watch.

I tell Tudor over lunch and then when Tara gets home from school we 3 sit down to watch it. I big up the film. Its really funny, about a family in a camper van. Funny sweet film, with a slightly spikey tone that I get but washes over T&T. As they are all sat down to dinner Grandad utters his first fuck. T,T and I all sit up and look at one another shocked. Tudor puts a cushion to his face. ‘I don’t remember that’ I say. ‘Well there’s probably a bit of swearing, but we’re ok with that as long as we don’t use it’. I jump on the lap top and wiki a synopsis of the film. Rating 15. Oops got that one wrong. ‘The word fuck is used 30 times in this film’, I am informed, ‘mainly by one person, during one scene’, ‘there is also a reference to homosexual relationship’- whatever. We are fans of John Barrowman. ‘2 covers of a pornographic magazine are shown’, can deal with that no issue. Good synopsis, scene by scene. Probably a little too much information for the back of a DVD cover but Film per tutti no. The camper van scenes come and go with the majority of the fucks got out and me mentally counting them.
T&T love the film, we deal with the death of Grandad lightly and it is enjoyed by all. Tara excitingly tells Hugh later that the first word that ‘the boy’ says is fuck. New word- but sadly not Italian.
I very generously think that possibly the swear words are not dubbed into Italian hence the film per tutti rating.

The next time we are in Saturn, we check. I find Porky’s 3. I’ve never seen a Porky’s movie (no really I haven’t) but its an 80’s classic of its genre. Film per tutti. I’m sure that even if dubbing takes out some less appropriate words the actions will speak for themselves.
Hugh holds up The Shining. Film per tutti he hollers to me. I won’t watch it, too scary.
So unless its a Disney film, I’m checking wiki before I buy a film here. Just in case.

Arrivederci

Signoria McManoos

*orange man is Carlo Conti. He’s orange as in perma tanned.